OCTOBER IS PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS AWARENESS MONTH, AND OCTOBER 15 IS PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY.
*Trigger warning* pregnancy loss, infant Loss
Having a miscarriage sent me reeling into a dark world of all of the things I never wanted to feel. I’m a perfectionist and I’m highly competitive, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t have control over what was happening to me.
I started bleeding on my birthday, which was also Mother’s Day. I’m painfully aware of the irony. I had a “missed miscarriage,” which can best be described as the body not realizing that the pregnancy is non-viable. It’s very common, but not talked about nearly enough.
The weeks surrounding the miscarriage diagnosis were cloudy and sad. I still felt pregnant, and every wave of nausea was a cruel reminder that I wouldn’t get to be a mom after all. Seeing little kids in the grocery carts at Target hurt my heart so much. I neglected my pregnant friends because I was jealous of them and angry at myself.
Those weeks (that turned into months) were immeasurably hard. I didn’t fully comprehend what I went through until I was on the other side of the pain and looking backward.
Pregnancy loss taught me a few valuable lessons.
- This wasn’t my fault.
2. I don’t have control over everything that happens to me.
3. Not everything will happen when you want it to, and that’s ok.
I wish it hadn’t taken this really horrible thing to make me realize those truths, but I’m not sure I would’ve ever learned them without it.
To anyone struggling with miscarriage or infertility, you aren’t alone. The lessons that I learned probably won’t help you feel any better. You might feel bitterness and anger, and that’s valid and real.