OCTOBER IS PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS AWARENESS MONTH, AND OCTOBER 15 IS PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY.
*Trigger warning* pregnancy loss, infant Loss
Having a miscarriage sent me reeling into a dark world of all of the things I never wanted to feel. I’m a perfectionist and I’m highly competitive, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t have control over what was happening to me.
I started bleeding on my birthday, which was also Mother’s Day. I’m painfully aware of the irony. I had a “missed miscarriage,” which can best be described as the body not realizing that the pregnancy is non-viable. It’s very common, but not talked about nearly enough.
The weeks surrounding the miscarriage diagnosis were cloudy and sad. I still felt pregnant, and every wave of nausea was a cruel reminder that I wouldn’t get to be a mom after all. Seeing little kids in the grocery carts at Target hurt my heart so much. I neglected my pregnant friends because I was jealous of them and angry at myself.
Those weeks (that turned into months) were immeasurably hard. I didn’t fully comprehend what I went through until I was on the other side of the pain and looking backward.
Pregnancy loss taught me a few valuable lessons.
- This wasn’t my fault.
2. I don’t have control over everything that happens to me.
3. Not everything will happen when you want it to, and that’s ok.
I wish it hadn’t taken this really horrible thing to make me realize those truths, but I’m not sure I would’ve ever learned them without it.
To anyone struggling with miscarriage or infertility, you aren’t alone. The lessons that I learned probably won’t help you feel any better. You might feel bitterness and anger, and that’s valid and real.
Eventually, you will be on the other side of the pain, looking back at what made you as strong as you are.