Today I cried in the shower. I’m talking ugly, sobbing, let-it-all-out crying. It was like a huge wave hit me, and I just stood there and felt it wash over me until it passed.
I don’t know what triggered it. Maybe it was exhaustion. The baby is now sleeping just long enough for me to hit REM sleep before he wakes up again. Maybe it was because he just turned 10 months, and I’m realizing he’s not going to be a baby much longer. Maybe it was because my nephews visited us this weekend and I wish so much that we lived closer to them. Or maybe it was because I got frustrated with my toddler today and I feel guilty about it.
For any and all of these reasons, I found myself sobbing in the shower. As my toddler napped and the baby played in his saucer, I let it all out. The exhaustion, the loneliness, the guilt, the frustration. All of it. I let all those feelings that I push aside and internalize daily come out. Because I had reached my limit.
I felt sorry for myself. And I allowed it.
Because my husband and I don’t have family nearby. Because that village everyone speaks of is sparse and busy. And because my husband and I haven’t had a date night in over a year. Because talking to my sister-in-law over the weekend made me realize I’m not the only one who feels this way. She is also far from family and has a sparse village.
None of these are things I allow in regularly.
They are things I push through and aside because dwelling on them does me no good. Because I cherish my tiny, busy village and know that in an emergency they’d drop everything for us. And that’s the most important thing.
So I cried until I had no more tears, rinsed my face, and got out of the shower. Leaving it all to wash down the drain. Then the baby cracked up laughing when I blew my nose, and all was right with the world again.
I decided to share this because I know I’m not the only one who cried in the shower today. Or any day for that matter. And that’s okay. We are conditioned to think our “champagne problems” are almost shameful. That we should just feel lucky and content with what we have and not complain. Believe me, I am extremely grateful for all that I have.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel overwhelmed. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a break. It doesn’t mean I should give up spending time alone with my husband. And it doesn’t mean that all of the feelings I try to push aside won’t catch up to me.
Being strong for our families is tough. And sometimes a good shower cry is just what we need to keep going.
Originally published June 2019.