I Made My Own Sandwich, Mom :: Grief in Kids Growing Up

I’m grieving my kids growing up. 

“I made my own peanut butter and jelly sandwich, mom!”

“Mom, I’ll read a book tonight.”

“I don’t need a ride. I’m going to go with my friends.”

“Mom, can we register for Driver’s Ed soon?”

“My advisor said I’ll be ready to apply for the Nursing Program soon.”

Wait, what? When did all of this happen?

I was leading a grief support group earlier this month and was asked this question: “Is it normal to grieve our children growing up?”

The answer is an absolute “Yes!”

I told the group the story of the sandwich. My baby, all of five years old at the time, had gathered all of the supplies needed to make herself a pb & j sandwich–with surprisingly little mess might I add. For several days after learning this new skill, everyone in the house had a sandwich made for them even if they didn’t ask for it. I was so happy for our little one. She was growing up. 

At this moment, I was also faced with the reality that she now had a level of self-sufficiency that proved she needed me less.

I explained to the group that these situations are happy occasions. This is what we work towards, and this is what we are raising our kids to do. We work towards helping our kids to grow up and do things on their own.

When that sandwich is made, when the kids remind us through these milestones that we are doing our jobs and that they are in fact growing up, this bittersweet reality can catch us off guard.

We all know that our babies will grow. They will become their own people who do their own things. Yay for us for getting them to this point! But this knowledge does not make the actual process easy to accept. 

Some limit grief to death, but this is not the case. We find ourselves grieving situations, grieving everyday losses. In parenting, everyday losses can include (but are not limited to) our kids learning to do things on their own, tying their shoes, losing their teeth, starting another grade in school, dating, learning to drive, getting jobs–or our kids just simply growing up. 

Another misconception that is common is that we can only grieve negative situations. This is also not the case. Moms, we can grieve change.

We can grieve our little ones growing up, and we can love and enjoy it at the same time. We can grieve that they might need us less or differently, and we can celebrate these milestones as well.

I am a firm believer that children will always need their moms; however, the way in which they need us will change over time. That change is something that we can give ourselves permission to have lots of complicated feelings about.

The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of ABQ Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.