The voice in my head isn’t always so kind, especially in a critical world. Sometimes it spews out a stream of criticism, disdain, and vitriol that, as my husband gently reminds me, I wouldn’t let fly at anyone else. The judgmental voices in my head make it more challenging to keep the unkind or judgmental words of others from impacting me in some way. And although I have grown quite a bit stronger and more resilient as I’ve grown older, I still sometimes find myself biting my tongue, curbing my words, watching my step, and doubting myself to avoid judgment.
My daughter is the opposite. Yes, she’s only a toddler, but she is insanely herself in every way: strong-willed, loud, messy, silly, funny, crazy, and opinionated. She laughs with abandon, dances in the middle of a crowd, and lights up the room with her bright, infectious smile. She knows what she wants, goes for it, and fully expects to get it. This little girl marches to the beat of her own drum, screams her power, and she is wonderfully, gleefully okay with that, no matter what anyone else thinks.
Of course, I am older and have more baggage than she does. But with such a sharp contrast between her self-confidence and my lack thereof, it does make me sit up and take notice. And many times, becoming a mother has been a severe test of my self-confidence. The first six months of our daughter’s life were full of medical tests, appointments, and anxiety, and I often doubted my instincts. Now we’ve reached the stage of discipline, food and feeding, diet, screen time, and clothing choices. And everyone in our critical world has an opinion on the way they feel it should be done—and sometimes they’re not so kind about it.
Being Herself in a Critical World
While most of the parents with whom I’ve made friends in my role as mom are lovely, there are some who aren’t. Like a mom who had already gone out of her way to one-up, correct, and question many of my parenting choices and one day proceeded to put my toddler down in front of another parent. I was furious with her but also furious with myself. Why? Because I had been too shocked and too shy to say anything, and, as always, the little voice in my head whispered, what if it’s true?
But what did my daughter do? The daughter I hope to raise into a strong, self-assured woman despite our critical world? She continued playing—continued to be herself.
Watching my daughter be herself in that situation and others has helped me realize that maybe it’s time I start learning not to listen so hard to my critics (including the critic in my head). If I have a daughter like that, I’m doing okay. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to feel that I don’t have to prove myself, explain myself, or make myself look “better” than I am. I don’t have to go out of my way to show I’m a put-together mom, or that my house always looks perfect, or that I have a child who never acts up, or eats her vegetables at every meal.
My Life, Not Theirs
The people who feel the need to put others, including children, down? Those are their issues, not mine, their ideas about parenting, not mine, and their reality, not mine. I need to take a deep breath, sit back, and let it be, because, in the end, it doesn’t matter what they think. We might live in a critical world, but I’m parenting for my daughter, not for anyone else.
Does that realization always help? Definitely not. I still find that I try to prove myself out of insecurity, especially in new situations. But the important thing is that I’m learning. Especially when I watch my daughter giggle with delight as she runs across the room with a bucket on her head while other children quietly color. And when the mom offered another sly comment? I ignored her and went on delighting in my child and her creativity.
I’m me. I’m a good mom. Other people have their opinions, and I have mine, and that’s okay. I can’t change the fact that it’s a critical world. Just like my daughter, all I have to be is me, and, thanks to my daughter, I’m actually starting to be okay with that.
