My husband and I were newly engaged the first time I caught him viewing pornography. It was something that I never suspected, and I was blind-sided, shocked, angry, and hurt.
In the weeks that followed, I felt completely heartbroken. I was absolutely torn up inside–my gut told me to run, but my heart told me to stay. Lots of guys view porn, right? Ultimately, I stayed. As it turns out, that night would be just the first of many discoveries, each one more painful and frustrating than the last.
Sex and love addictions begin when sex/love becomes an unhealthy compulsion rather than a loving form of intimacy and connection. Unfortunately, statistics show that it is more prevalent than many of us know. Sex/love addiction has a wide range–anything from compulsive use of porn, to obsessive infatuation with strangers, to compulsive sex with multiple partners, and everything in between.
Here are some terms commonly used in the sex addiction world.
• A discovery is the uncovering of a betrayal. Discoveries can come in many forms, some more dramatic than others: finding your partner viewing porn, finding an incriminating text message, finding your partner in bed with another person, etc.
• Betrayal can be a whole range of things, but basically, it is something that your partner has done to compromise your trust: chronic viewing of porn, an affair, cheating with multiple partners, etc.
• Acting out is when a sex/love addict acts on their unhealthy cravings, compulsions, or desires.
From my first discovery, as we started our life as a married couple, our intimacy was already suffering. Sex became a miserable chore.
As time and years went on, we both forced a dysfunctional sex life, doing the bare minimum to convince ourselves that we were “normal.” I made discovery after discovery, each one more awkward, upsetting, and frustrating than the last. Five years and two babies into our marriage, I felt completely stuck in a vicious cycle: make a discovery; get into a huge fight about said discovery; make a vow to myself that I would initiate more sex to “stop” him from seeking pleasure from other sources; force myself to be intimate while resenting both my husband and myself through the whole ordeal; rinse and repeat.
A sex addiction presents itself similarly to any other type of addiction. He was completely disconnected from me, from our kids, from our life.
He was selfish, defensive, and childish. And he was always the victim. He was never present, physically or emotionally. It got worse and worse.
Eventually, I lost track of just how many times I caught my husband acting out. I would wake up to use the bathroom at two in the morning, only to realize that he was still awake and viewing porn. One time I unexpectedly came home early from a commitment and caught him in the act. A couple of times I woke up to find him acting out in bed right next to me while I slept.
» » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » RELATED READ: Marriage Is Hard Work « « « « « « « « « « « « « « « « « «
I started to feel like an intruder in my own home, always on edge, always nervous about what I would find. I was terrified to come home (TO MY OWN HOME) unannounced, not knowing what I might walk in on when I showed up. Waking up in the middle of the night filled me with a sense of dread–was he asleep beside me, or not?
I lived with this painful and shameful secret for years. Who could I tell? Who would understand? I had no one to turn to.
The couple of times that I tried confiding in trusted friends, I was met with unhelpful responses. “Oh, he’s just looking at porn? So what? Everyone looks at porn.” But it wasn’t that simple.
Each and every discovery ended the same way. Me tearful, heartbroken, confused; him stoic, ashamed, annoyed. It was always the same. I would tell him how it made me feel: worthless, disrespected, undesired. He would swear up and down that he loved me and was very attracted to me. He would promise that he would never do it again. I would believe him.
I was gaslighted over and over by this man who continued to assure me he didn’t want to hurt me while simultaneously turning around and crushing me all over again.
Eventually, he started to admit that he may have a problem. We tried marriage counseling which unfortunately didn’t go well. When that didn’t work out the way we had hoped, we turned to individual therapists. That was helpful for me and somewhat helpful for him, but he was still in a lot of denial and not quite ready to face the truth.
Fast forward to early 2020. I had been fantasizing for years about taking the kids and leaving. Fear of the unknown would stop me dead in my tracks every time. Then, I read Glennon Doyle’s latest memoir, Untamed, and it changed something in me. It wasn’t dramatic at first. It was like my pilot light, which had long ago been extinguished, was suddenly re-ignited.
In her book, Glennon goes into great detail about the betrayal that took place in her own marriage. She eventually came to a place of knowing–knowing that staying in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage was no longer sustainable for her. A quote from her book that really stood out to me: “It’s all effing hard. So maybe it’s just about deciding on the right kind of hard.”
That resonated with me–YES. Being in an emotionless, intimacy-deprived marriage was effing hard. Choosing to leave and be a single parent would be hard. I didn’t have a plan, but my confidence and trust in myself started to take hold.
In the summer of 2021, things came to a head. On a family vacation, I awoke in our hotel room to find my husband acting out next to me in bed while our two kids slept in the bed beside ours. I. LOST. IT. All I remember is whisper-yelling strings of expletives while my husband sat, horrified, across from me on the bed and our kids snored through it all. The rest of the vacation was like a bad dream.
» » » » » » RECOMMENDED RESOURCE: How to Talk to Your Child About Online Porn « « « « «
There was actually one final discovery after that. It was several months later back at home on a typical weekday morning. And for whatever reason, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I told my husband I wanted a divorce, that I was finished with the empty threats and ready to forge a path to happiness, no matter the cost.
I immediately asked my husband to leave. With no plan in place and a busy family life to maintain, he slept on a blow-up mattress in a spare room until we could decide on a better solution. We discussed what and how we would tell the kids. It was the absolute hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to experience.
Looking back, we believe this was the moment that he had finally reached his “rock bottom.” He could no longer live in denial–he was facing the loss of his family and his children.
This is when he started to come to terms with the fact that he had a true problem with porn. Without any prompting from me, he found a practice in town that offers counseling from professionally Certified Sex-Addiction (CSAT) Therapists, and within two days, he had his first appointment scheduled. He joined three separate support groups and started attending them religiously. He found a support group for partners who have experienced betrayal and gave me the information so that I could attend if I was interested. Also, he was adamant that he was going to do whatever it took to keep our family from falling apart.
I had been burned so many times it was almost impossible for me to trust him.
At the same time, this was so DIFFERENT from all the other times, and I started to feel a glimmer of hope. He was taking accountability. He was showing up like an adult and owning all of his mistakes. Finally, he was actually doing something about it and finally seemed determined to put an end to it.
We both started therapy with CSATs and began attending our respective support group meetings. The change in my husband was immediate and dramatic. After all of the years of half-tries and failed attempts, I could see clearly that he was finally in true recovery.
The signs that made me feel confident in my husband’s recovery were:
- Attending weekly therapy sessions and speaking openly with me about them
- Devotedly attending multiple group support sessions and 12-step (SLAA) meetings every week
- Regularly checking in with me and being vulnerable, open, and honest about his feelings
- Reading books to promote self-growth
- Journaling his feelings daily
- Becoming physically and emotionally present and available for me and for our family
- Eventually, becoming a sponsor/peer support for other men struggling with similar issues
Today, after everything, I am incredibly grateful to say that our story has resolved to a much happier place.
There is still a lot of healing to be done, and we are constantly working to strengthen our trust and bond. After all the years of damage to our relationship, it is no surprise that this is going to take some time.
Not everyone’s story resolves the way mine has. Through my support group, I have met women who stayed, women who walked away, and women who still don’t know what they’re going to do.
The important thing, and the reason that I chose to share this story, is that we all need to know that we are not alone.
I felt so alone for so many years. Sex addiction feels taboo or shameful. Depending on the circumstances, it can get people in trouble with their jobs or even with the law. It’s not easy to speak openly about it without fear of judgment.
If you are suffering the effects of a partner’s sexual addiction, stay strong. Trust your gut. Stop enabling them and start taking care of you. Most importantly: seek support–it’s out there! Find someone who is safe, and share your story. You are important, and you are worthy of true intimacy, genuine love, and happiness in your relationship!
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of ABQ Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
