October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. On October 15, thousands of parents in the United States are invited to light a candle at 7 PM (in all time zones) to remember the precious babies lost during pregnancy or infancy.
But in a small house tucked in an old Albuquerque neighborhood, my family will be lighting a candle. Nearly two years ago, after just a couple weeks of knowing a second child was on the way, our excitement was quickly extinguished.
From the first pink line, my heart was anxious. Not the normal please-God-let-everything-be-okay-I’m-anxious-all-the-time feeling that permeates every second of my pregnancies, but the deep down mother’s intuition that something was not quite right. I found myself staring off in the shower wondering how I would handle a miscarriage. I questioned why I wasn’t feeling any of the symptoms that accompanied my first pregnancy.
Yet, I still chose hope.
I still prayed every evening for a healthy baby. We still picked out a name. We still told a few family members. But we only had three weeks.
And then one Friday morning, I started spotting. By Saturday evening, the hope of a beautiful, healthy baby was gone. The following Tuesday was my first appointment with my midwife but instead of confirming a pregnancy, we discussed confirming the end of one. Making lab appointments, drawing blood, checking levels every week until they were normal again.
Until it meant, there was nothing left.
Our midwife gave us the go ahead to start trying as soon as we were ready. And we did. And despite many months of trying with my first baby and a miscarriage with my second – I was pregnant with my third almost immediately. My pregnancy was smooth, my delivery even better and a year later – my ornery, stubborn, independent little rainbow baby is perfect.
We have reason to celebrate despite the loss. But so many families do not. There are mommas today that are right now in the thick of it. Maybe you recently miscarried your first pregnancy. You couldn’t wait to be a mom. Maybe you have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage. You feel broken. Maybe you endured the agony of delivering your baby who was already gone. Maybe you woke to find your infant passed in the dead of night for no reason at all.
Loss engulfs us when we feel alone, cut off, disconnected. I was amazed to learn how many people I knew who had suffered a pregnancy loss. Family, friends, acquaintances.
I was not alone. And neither are you.
We will light a candle this October 15 to join with you, to remember our loss and to remember yours – to whisper to the darkness of night that we still have hope.
If you are in need of support, please consider attending NM Share Birth Grief & Loss Group facilitated by Dar a Luz Birth Center. This group is free and open to the public. The group meets the first Thursday of the month from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. at St. Timothy’s on Copper and Jefferson. Find more information here.
