Want to Put an End to Sharing Squabbles? Me Too

The Sharing Scenario

Child A has a toy. And Child B wants it (of course). Child B asks nicely if he/she can play with it. What do you do? Can we all agree upon a standard approach? You know, so that we (all the parents of the world) can become one unified force against the constant trials and tribulations of sharing.

In all honestly, I can see the perspective of both children. Child A had the toy first. Child A was playing nicely and having a grand old time. It seems like Child B is only interested in it because Child A has it. Why should Child A have to give it up immediately upon request?

Then again, Child B asked nicely for a turn. Child A shouldn’t get to hold onto it forever. If Child B uses his words instead of attempting to grab the toy away, then Child B should be rewarded.

The Options

What’s your approach as a parent? I’ve seen a variety of different responses, such as:

Telling Child B that he will need to wait until Child A is done with the toy.

Telling Child A to give the toy to Child B.

Using a timer and taking turns.

Letting them work it out themselves. We don’t have to hover around and mediate every little thing.

My Policy

What’s the best approach? I honestly don’t know. But here is what works for my family.

We treat virtually all the toys in our home as shared “family” toys. This is probably made easier by having three kids of the same gender. They are given lots of similar and duplicate toys that all get thrown into the play areas and shared. When this scenario arises with our children, we have taught Child B to ask nicely for a turn. If Child A is really having fun and right in the middle of something important (which he always is!), then Child A can say something like, “Yes, you can have a turn in a few minutes.” I will then remind Child A when his “few minutes” is over and ask him to share the toy. Although I’ve never used timers, I think this can be a useful strategy, especially for kids who really want things to be fair and kids who thrive under concrete guidelines.

I like the ambiguous rule to share “in a few minutes” because, in the end, I’m the one who deems when that few minutes is up.

So if Child A really is just five minutes away from finishing an elaborate train track, I will give him the time to finish. But, if Child A is just pretending to play with an old scrap of tape because he knows his brother wants it, then I can say, “Time’s up!”

What’s Your Policy?

This method has worked well for our family, but I don’t think there is a perfect or easy answer to all sharing dilemmas. What happens when the toy is something brand new that someone just gave to one child? What about when you know that one child is only interested in it because their sibling has it?

And worst of all, what do you do when the coveted item is something the child created (like a giant house made of Legos) and now he really doesn’t want anyone to touch, destroy, or play with those Legos for the foreseeable future?

So, give me your best parenting practices and wisdom. Mediating these squabbles is one of the hardest and most exhausting jobs of a parent. Moms, what is your sharing policy?

Originally published March 2019.

The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of ABQ Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.