My second baby latched on for an hour right after birth. I thought he was going to do so great at breastfeeding.
Fast forward a few hours to the all too familiar pain coming in. And then the cracks in my nipples a day later. He was struggling to latch and stay latched. I would get him on, get through the initial pain with tears and toe curling and pillow squeezing. Then he would pull off. Back to square one with the initial latch pain and struggle. I knew this was sort of normal, but I wasn’t handling it well.
Everyone was frustrating me, and I was in tears every time it was time to feed.
After a particularly rough morning when he was 3 days old, I had a conversation with my husband about quitting and just exclusively pumping. I wasn’t happy breastfeeding. I wasn’t feeling the bond that’s supposed to come. If anything, I was feeling resentment, which is the last thing I wanted to feel toward this perfect sweet baby.
At the birth center for our checkup, I had this conversation with my midwife. It was long and full of tears. I decided that it would be best for me and him and the rest of my family to exclusively pump. She reassured me that it was only up to me what was right for us. That there was no wrong answer. If I felt like it was right and it made me happy, it was right. She armed me with information about pumping, and I went home to pump.
My husband gave him a bottle, and a weight was lifted. I didn’t have to dread or fear the pain. I fed him and enjoyed it. There weren’t tears from me when he was hungry. I felt so relieved.
That evening my husband took our 2-year-old to the store for something. I started to pump while the baby slept. He woke up crying, and I tried to reassure him. I put the milk I had pumped into a bottle to feed him. He still cried.
I’m not sure what it was about this cry, but I needed to breastfeed him. At this moment I knew we both needed this. We needed each other.
I struggled for a minute with feeling like I had made my choice and now had to stick with it. And then I trusted myself just as I had done 3 days prior when I gave birth to him.
I breastfed my baby. And I have continued breastfeeding him since. There have definitely been struggles, but overall I love it. I love to come home from work late at night and feed him. I love it and I get it. And I feel that bond through feeding.
The permission I gave myself to quit was exactly what I needed. I needed to not feel trapped. And I needed to know there were other options. I needed to be able to put fear and guilt aside and put myself first to have the knowledge and ability to know what was right for my baby.
This care for myself and trust in myself has set the tone for our relationship and my growth as a mother. Trust and self-care have allowed me to love this journey so much more than I ever could have before.
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Originally published June 2019.
